Coming Out
Gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals who keep their sexual orientation a secret are often referred to as
“closeted”. When a person decides to share their sexual orientation with others, it is commonly referred to as
“coming out”.
Why do gay and lesbian people come out?
Coming
out is often an integral part of developing a healthy gay or lesbian identity. Remaining in the closet means that you choose
to hide who you are from those around you. It means lying about your relationships, pretending to be someone you are not,
and keeping a large part of your identity secret from loved ones. This hiding can be very painful and is incredibly damaging
to one’s overall psychological health. Coming out is strongly related to developing a positive gay or lesbian identity,
better mental health and higher self-esteem.
Why is coming out difficult?
Coming out can be difficult because there are stereotypes and unwarranted prejudice against gay and lesbian
people. Many conservative communities and religious groups teach that being gay, lesbian or bisexual is a sign of mental illness,
immorality and deserving of punishment and ostracism. Many of these groups have successfully utilized stereotypes and misconceptions
about gay and lesbian people to lobby for prevention of equality in civil and federal rights for gay and lesbian people.
Challenging these stereotypes
can be very difficult, especially if the individual does not have access to a supportive community or positive gay and lesbian
role models. Many people remain in the closet because they fear, sometimes realistically, that they will be rejected by their
loved ones and are at risk for physical violence.
What contributes to a healthy coming out experience?
The first, and in my opinion most important aspect of a healthy coming out
experience, is recognizing that coming out is an act of self-love. Accessing emotional support from trusted friends and family,
making positive contacts with other gay and lesbian people and accessing information about the hidden history of gay and lesbian
people can assist in the development of a healthier gay and lesbian identity in the long run.
Some Common myths
about gay and lesbian people.
Myth: Gay and lesbian people,
particularly gay men and bisexuals, are promiscuous.
Reality: Some gay and lesbian
people, just like some heterosexual people, are promiscuous, and some are not. Promiscuity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Myth: In same-sex relationships, one partner is the “man” and the other partner is the
“woman”.
Reality: Gay men and lesbians form a relationship based on equality. The basis for
this myth has two main components, both of which are equally offensive and rooted in sexists attitudes towards
1. The first assumption
that this myth makes is that gay and lesbian relationships are “modeled” on heterosexual relationships that encompass
stereotypical gender dynamics. This means that one partner must be more “assertive” while the other is “passive”.
Essentially, this myth asks the question, who is the more “powerful” member in the relationship.
2. The second assumption
of this myth is that gender dynamics are synonymous with sexuality. In same sex relationships, when people ask who is the
man, the hidden question being asked is, quite frankly, is “who fucks who”. Meaning, who is the “active”,
(read dominant = male) and who is the “receptive”, (read passive = female) partner. When this question is asked
of lesbian couples the question being addressed is “who is the butch and who is the femme”. Sexuality has nothing
to do with gender and power unless the intent is to make sex about gender and power.
Myth:
Same-sex relationships are unhealthy and abnormal because gay and lesbian people are not capable of “true” love
and commitment.
Reality: Gay and lesbian people are just as capable of long-term committed relationships
as heterosexual people. Dr. John Gottman Ph.D., an internationally recognized researcher of couples dynamics and a practicing
clinical psychologist, is quoted as saying; "Gay and lesbian couples are a lot more mature, more considerate in trying
to improve a relationship and have a greater awareness of equality in a relationship than straight couples. I think that in
200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today." Clearly, gay and lesbian
people can, and do, form long-term successful and loving relationships.
Myth: Same-sex
relationships usually consist of an older gay person who has taken advantage of a younger person who is questioning or confused
about their identity.
Reality:
This is one of the more virulent myths, portraying
gay and lesbian people as predatory child molesters. It is NOT true. Same-sex relationships, as in heterosexual relationships,
are consensual and occur between consenting adults.
Myth: Gay and lesbian people
could be cured by having good sex with a member of the opposite sex.
Reality:
There are no cures for homosexuality because homosexuality is not an illness. Many gay and lesbian people have had satisfying
heterosexual experiences in their lifetime. Some gay and lesbian people are comfortable being sexually active with heterosexuals
as well. Some gay men and lesbians have never had sex with a member of the opposite sex because they do not find them sexually
attractive.
Myth: Homosexuality is not “natural”— that is, it does not exist
in nature, proving that homosexuality is an illness.
Reality: Research has found that
homosexuality is almost universal among animals and is especially frequent among highly developed species. There has been
evidence of homosexuality in all-human cultures throughout history.
Myth: Same
sex experiences in adolescence determining whether a person will be gay or lesbian as an adult.
Reality: If this statement were true, then the percentage of gay and lesbian people in the population would be far
greater than the estimated 10%. Many children and adolescents have homosexual experiences in childhood as part of the exploration
of their sexuality.
Myth: Gay and lesbian people have made a conscious decision not to be heterosexual.
Reality: Researchers continue to disagree on the specific origins of homosexuality, as an aside - the
origins of heterosexuality also remain unknown. The decision is not whether one is homosexual or heterosexual, but whether
one is going to acknowledge the existence of one's homosexual feelings and behaviors. Coming out is a complex and difficult
process. It may take a long time for many gay or lesbian people to accept their homosexuality is valid and acceptable. Those
who struggle with a gay or lesbian identity may struggle with a great deal of anxiety, pain, and anger as they begin challenging
damaging societal messages about homosexuality and asserting their right to have, explore and incorporate their sexuality
into their lives.
Homophobia.
Homophobia
means “fear of the same”, as in fear of homosexuality. Homophobia also translates into a fear of intimate relationships,
even those that are not sexual in nature, between members of the same sex. Homophobia also manifests in hatred, becoming an
attitude of repulsion and disgust towards gay and lesbian people. Homophobia is heavily influenced by the belief that homosexuality
is morally wrong. This moralizing component of homophobia serves to strip away the humanity of gay and lesbian people and
allows the homophobic individual, and culture, to view gay and lesbian people as disgusting, sick and shameful; deserving
of violence and contempt.
What is heterosexism?
Heterosexism is both an attitude and a social system of organized beliefs. As an attitude, heterosexism is
the belief that any sexual orientation other than heterosexual is inferior. In this way, heterosexism is similar to sexism,
racism misogyny and anti-Semitism; as all of these forms of hatred organize experience along a continuum of “better
than” and “less than” thinking, feeling and acting. Heterosexism as a social system is the driving force
behind cultural attitudes that exclude gay and lesbian people from serving in the military and refusal to allow same-sex couples
the same rights as their heterosexual peers. Heterosexism is also seen in the lack of positive images of gay and lesbian people
in the media.
HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE
(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., January 1977)
Gay and lesbian people are constantly forced to deal with homophobic assumptions
and misinformation. This questionnaire is an invitation for heterosexual people to think about how they would feel and respond
if they had to address the assumptions that their heterosexuality was a form of illness.
1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?
2. When and how did you
first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?
4. If you've never slept
with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?
5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out
of?
6.
Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental
patients heterosexual?
8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on
sex? Why are they so promiscuous?
10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
11. If you were to have
children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?
12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long
as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
13.
The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of
your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who
you are and keep it quiet?
15.
How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop
your homosexual potential?
16.
Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?
17. Even with all the societal support marriage
receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the
menace of overpopulation?
19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals.
Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?
21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counselor
to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?
22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional
rapport with a person of the opposite sex
when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?
